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"Then you should know that my first action as Prophet was to make Jerry Shybear here the Apostle."

Hansen said, “I don't recognize your appointment. The office of Prophet was null and void when Twofeathers proposed to marry Jerry off to that whore. The union of Jerry and Kim is still disgusting to think about. They're not cousins, they're not even of the same race.”

“What would you say,” Mike put in, “if I told you the cousin-marriage thing was simply Mark Lange setting out a doctrine that would distinguish his church from the other new ones in 19th Century America, and it conveniently coincided with an attraction to his own cousin?"

"I would say go to hell," Klaus said, "if you told me that. Our founder Prophet Lange received the doctrine directly from God in his vision on Cemetery Ridge. Teaching it led to persecution in state after state and his pilgrimage halfway across the country to this place."

"We don't want to waste your time any more than is absolutely necessary, Mr. Hansen," Mike told him. "So I would ask you, is the historical Church doctrine of requiring consanguineous marriage a non-negotiable for you? No reunion of the Red and White Wings without it?"

"Never to be," Hansen said. "Paul, please illuminate our new but unlearned friend Mike."

Bergin flipped open his Bible to the appropriate page. "And they made an end with all the men that had taken strange wives by the first day of the first month. Ezra ten seventeen."

"No strange wives," Jerry said to Mike, holding up his hand with a wedding band. "How very unfortunate because Robyn is incomparably strange."

"Agreed," said Mike, shaking his head sadly. They stood away from the table and buttoned up their coats to make ready to leave.

"That's sick," Paul Bergin said. "The body of your fiancée hasn't yet been through the Final Rite and you're already married to another?"

"Some might say Robyn is another, but when you do see my wife, Paul, you might agree she's close enough to being Kim as never mind."


But far more striking was Jerry's companion: seven foot two, eyes of blue, a black-haired walking copy of Michaelangelo's David. Jerry was dressed in his Sunday best, as befitted the solemnity of the meeting, but the newcomer's impeccable threads looked expensive indeed.

Jerry said, “Hello Mr. Hansen and Mr. Bergin, please allow me to introduce Mike, who is the new Prophet of the Church.”

“Just Mike?” barked Hansen. “No last name?”

“Mike,” insisted Mike.

"Where's Peter?"

"Mr. and Mrs. Twofeathers are in a better place," assured Mike.

"They're dead?" asked Paul.

"Gentlemen, please," objected Jerry, "we're getting ahead of ourselves here. Please bow your head in prayer and I will make the Invocation." When everyone complied Jerry went on. "Lord, we are gathered in this place during a difficult time."

“Bless your followers here today, and may the peace that surpasses all understanding fill our hearts as we reason together to restore the wounds to your holy Church. This we pray in the name of Yeshua, the son of the living God.”

All around the maple table is heard “Emn."

Mike was the first to break the silence after the prayer. "Peter and his wife are well, Mr. Hansen, but he assumed responsibility for the division of the Church and resigned. His final action was to designate me as the Prophet."

"And yet I've never heard of you, Mike."

Mike said, "Mr. Hansen, have you forgotten that our first Prophet was martyred during the First World War bringing succor to parishioners in Europe? The Green Dome Church is much larger than just the local fellowship here in Headwater where every face is known to you."

Klaus Hansen threw up his hands. "Ah well, at least Twofeathers stayed with tradition and picked a white fellow. I half expected him to put this fairy in the big chair."


"How can I evaluate that statement, father," said Chokhmah, "if I have no experience with this Ein Sof whatsoever?"

"Our tradition is to introduce the young to Ein Sof by slow degrees, lest they be overwhelmed. I can set aside this cautious approach if you are willing.

Contact with Ein Sof was offered in return for Chokhmah's full cooperation in setting up a human colony on a planet in Keter's system. The caveat was that she could only listen to Ein Sof, never speak. And the colony was to come first because Ein Sof would preoccupy her.

When the Church of Green Dome went into schism, "Prophet" Klaus Hansen laid down the law. He said no more card playing, no more dancing, and no more Demon Rum. The Bunners started to roll in sawdust on the floor of the barn that was the meeting place of the Reformed CoGD. Parishioners babbled in tongues to be saved from hell fire. Deacon Paul Bergin was appointed Apostle to the Whites and went to the homes of former Bunners who weren't seen at the barn with tracts threatening eternal damnation if they didn't bring their money and come home.

Jerry Shybear put out feelers to the breakaway faction of the Church and arranged a parley at what he judged to be neutral territory. Che chose the Lt. Lambert Welles Battlefield Memorial near a line of low hills east of Headwater where the Squaw River cut a steep canyon. At the battlefield site was a small museum with exhibits and a gift shop, but it was closed soon after Pearl Harbor when automobile touring by sightseers dried up and was later prohibited by law. Jerry obtained the museum keys and permission to use the conference room.

So those two exemplars of the master race arrived, both five foot six, Paul Bergin with a fringe of hair he tried vainly to comb forward, Klaus Hansen with a full head of brown hair but two chins and the making of a third. Gluttony wasn't a sin he preached about very much.

The native population of the Great American Desert were already the tallest in the world as a demographic, but Jerry Shybear had the extra juice from his Z chromosome which took hem a foot taller than Paul or Klaus. Che was eighteen but looked eleven, stretched way out. If you looked at Jerry's ear close-up you would swear it was a girl's ear. Same thing with hez hands. A layer of fat hides the contours of hez underlying musculature and che had not a strand of facial hair. Hez high piping voice never broke. The overall effect is striking.


In just over four years the first contraction-ripple from Chesed reached the wild star AX Microscopii, an orange-red dwarf. The information stored holographically on the spherical wavefront collapsed to a point, becoming a hypermassive single particle, a true God Particle.

At the center of AX Microscopii is a core of hot nuclear matter. This core has a Goldilocks layer with just the right temperature and density for elohim. The God Particle initiated the process of turning the raw material of this stratum into a living and conscious being. By the time the second ripple arrived a month later Netzach was already well along the process of becoming the newest female member of the elohim, so the wavefront did not collapse again. Instead, four months later, it reached Lacaille 9352 and began to quicken life there. But Lacaille 9352 and two other red dwarf stars beyond it were too cool for any elohim to thrive. They formed a trap for the remaining generative waves, repeatedly quickening followed by a stillbirth. When the orgasm was over the mother of Netzach had become forever male.

With Netzach’s father Daat silenced, there remained the threat of the strange chemical creatures circling Chokhmah, the animals that were as awake as the elohim themselves. But there was no way for Keter to destroy them with an avatar like the one manufactured by Chokhmah. Without a second sun to anchor the other end, a foldspace line that connected an eloah to an avatar could be stretched to just less than a single light-year before it snapped. In real space the elohim ruled their own systems absolutely, but they could not go much further.

Keter knew dealing with the running apes on Earth would require Chokhmah’s cooperation at every step. He tried the research project gambit: "Of all chemical-based lifeforms, only the tool-making creatures you found are potentially dangerous to us because they are awake."

Chokhmah did the stellar equivalent of a silent view askance.

"If they are not dangerous now," Keter explained to his daughter, "then perhaps they will be dangerous in the future. They could be the Students, but they could just be deceptively clever monkeys. We must learn more about them before it is time to reveal them to Ein Sof."


A female ape applied pigment to the wall to produce a beautiful painting. Chokhmah observed resin boiling in a pot over a fire. The resin was then used to fix a stone spearhead to a shaft for hunting. Chokhmah reported all these observations to her parents Keter and Daat.

Neither Chokhmah nor Daat realized the full importance of this discovery, although it profoundly stirred their instincts as Watchers. But Keter was terrified. Here was nothing less than the fabled world of Students elohim were commanded by Ein Sof to seek without a pause. Keter's problem was akin to that of a marijuana breeder who stumbled onto a variant that cured all cancer and birth defects and conferred immortality with a single puff, yet could never be announced because that would reveal the illegal grow operation which was its origin. Keter could ensure the silence of Chokhmah by simply refusing to pass her messages through to Ein Sof, but Chokhmah's mother Daat was still open to Ein Sof through Hod. To close the hole Keter offered his daughter Chesed as a mate for Daat, knowing Daat would not refuse.

Any eloah could be a mother exactly once. The very act of giving birth resulted in a gender change from female to male. Since elohim had life spans in the billions of years all but a tiny fraction of their lives is spent as male. This put an incredible premium on females. The only way for an eloah to interact with others was through the pair of one-dimensional wormhole umbilicals that always connected them to their parents and could never be severed. But any eloah at any time could choose to block the message traffic that passed through.

Elohim reproduction was ripe for abuse. Individuals could be sealed off from the greater community of elohim with no one the wiser. It was the greatest crime known, and carried the penalty of oblivion, yet the temptation was so great that a third of all stars had fallen. Daat was the orange sun in the Alpha Centauri system. Chesed was the star that men would one day call Epsilon Indi. Keter arranged their liaison and they mated, with Daat fully informed that he was partaking in the most forbidden of all transgressions among the elohim.

When a sun has an orgasm there are about eight contractions but it takes a month for the organized nuclear matter in the star to compress. The ecstasy of each contraction peaks with a spherical wave that rings out into space at the speed of light like a ripple on a pond.


Deep inside her stellar body where heat and gravity were hammer and anvil transforming star-stuff for power, Chokhmah carefully assembled her avatar. She flooded the reality microfracture between herself and her avatar with dark energy, inflating it to a millimeter. With the hairline wormhole fattened the substance of her own body could work as propellant, emerging anywhere the avatar would go. Chokhmah ejected the dense nuclear raindrop she had constructed into the cooler upper regions of her own atmosphere where it unpacked itself.

The seed unfolded itself into a probe like a kernel of popcorn, changing from tightly-packed nuclear matter to fluffy chemical matter and drawing ambient electrons from the solar atmosphere. It separated from the sun and rapidly began to cool from a brilliant blue-white. White changes to yellow which in turn changes to orange, then red, and after shifting through a brief plastic state the droplet grows spines, becoming at last a hot solid object which approaches the planet Mercury. There Chokhmah explores vicariously, living as the avatar.

Mercury is a sun-blasted landscape where metals are soft or even liquid in the heat, lying in dull puddles. Venus, further out, is even hotter. At night the ground glows with a dull red heat and corrosive rains of sulfuric acid fall. Chokhmah's avatar remains unharmed. The blue and white third planet is much more interesting. Unlike Venus a moving crust constantly tucks carbon dioxide captured by green plants under the surface, controlling the greenhouse effect. The avatar drops below the clouds and cools off in an ocean of liquid water.

Chokhmah crossed the shoreline and reached dry land thick with green trees. The artifact plowed through some of these trees and Chokhmah observed frightened apes fleeing. Some of the apes fled over the ground using all four limbs to move. One was eaten by a predator.

The artifact did a suborbital arc to explore another continent of Earth. There was a grassy plain with a single mountain dominating it for miles. Chokhmah observed another group of apes that walked on just two legs. She changed her shape into a white rock to watch them. Chokhmah observed a burial ceremony for a recently deceased hunter. Females polished elaborate bone tools with stone tools. Males fashioned animal hide tents to live in during the hunt. At night a tendril of the avatar snaked into a cave occupied by the group of apes.

Xena Breakfast Cereals

  • Not So CheeriOs
  • Booted Kix
  • Apple Jox
  • Honey Nutbread O's
  • Lucky Harms
  • Crucipix
  • Cinnamon Death
  • Meg's Turning Trix
  • Ambrosia Bits
  • Callisto's Loco Puffs
  • Cap'n Crunched
  • Sugar Smacks Upside the Head

Things Which Never Happen On X:WP

  • There is a god whose powers do not reside in an easily stolen object.
  • Another brother of Xena's shows up and she already told Gabrielle all about him.
  • There is a cave nearby and Xena never bothered to store supplies for her army there.
  • The trajectory of Xena's chakram becomes indeterminate after the 14th or 15th bounce.
  • Callisto goes through an entire episode without once being buried under a pile of rocks.
  • Ruffians attack Xena all at once, not in single file.

Xena Smilies

  • O-( User is a Cyclops
  • (-: User is from New Zealand :*)
  •  :*) User is Meleager
  • $-) User is Salmoneus
  •  :-[ User is a Bacchae
  •  :-@ "Yiyiyiyiyiyiyi!!!"
  •  :^( Xena used a left hook
  •  :v( Xena used a right cross
  •  :-X User requires a pinch interrogation
  • <:-) User is Joxer

Xena Sports

  • Stock Chariot Racing
  • "Bad"-minton
  • "Bi"-athlon
  • Idiotrod God Sledding
  • Equestrian Kickboxing
  • Nude Fishing
  • Gyne-nastics
  • Volcanodiving
  • Volleyfireball
  • Staff Vault
  • World Cup Sock-her
  • Sidekick Dragging
  • Bush Diving
  • The Running of the Bull Dykes

Joxer Tries to Pick Up Gabrielle

  • Jox: "Hey, Gabby, what's your sign?"
  • Gab: "Do not Enter"
  • Jox: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
  • Gab: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
  • Jox: "I know how to please a woman."
  • Gab: "Then please leave me alone."
  • Jox: "I want to give myself to you."
  • Gab: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
  • Jox: "I can tell that you want me."
  • Gab: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
  • Jox: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
  • Gab: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
  • Jox: "Your body is like a temple."
  • Gab: "Sorry, there are no services today."
  • Jox: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
  • Gab: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
  • Jox: "Your place or mine?"
  • Gab: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
  • Jox: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
  • Gab: "Unfertilized!"

Signs Joxer Should Do His Laundry

  • It's February 29 again.
  • He is discovered unconscious after a sniff test.
  • Argo maneuvers to stay upwind of him.
  • He wakes up in the dead of night to find his clothes crawling toward the lake.

Xena and Gabrielle Should Get a Tent

  • Tent stakes can double as throwing weapons.
  • Joxer won't be the only one to pitch a tent when Gabrielle prances around the campsite nude.
  • Xena can say her relationship with Gabrielle is "In Tents".
  • "If This Tent's Wigglin' Don't Start Gigglin'".

Signs Argo is Stalking Gabrielle

  • Gab finds a knit cap and FOUR bloody gloves.
  • Every time she turns around Argo puts her head down to eat grass nonchalantly.
  • Muddy horseshoe prints in Gab's diary scroll.
  • When she wakes there's a human head on the pillow next to her.

Why Xena Should Command the Enterprise

  • Starfleet is long overdue for a return to miniskirts and knee-high boots.
  • Like Kirk famously did, Xena would have a girl on every planet.
  • Gabrielle would make a good communications officer.
  • Xena's prime directive: "Take the planet!"
  • Joxer would be good as one of those security guys in a red shirt.
  • "She's gonna blow Captain!" takes on a whole new meaning.
  • If they met Apollo on the Planet of Lost Gods, Xena would kick his ass if puts the snatch on her ship.

Holy Scriptures of the Goddess of Love

  • First and Second Mammalonians
  • Lactiticus
  • Tit-us
  • Colossial-un's
  • Epistle to the Garbanzos
  • Aphrodite 36 : D
  • Hooteronomy
  • Reveal-ations
  • Triple X-odus

Amazon Sex Guidebooks

  • You Can't Eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on Your Face
  • You Can't Have Your Kate & Edith Too
  • More than You Ever Wanted to Know About Amazon Sexuality & Were Afraid Somebody Would Tell You
  • War & Piece (of Ass)
  • How to Make Love (& War) to a Woman

Signs Gabrielle is President

  • When asked by reporters if she ever ate henbane-laced nutbread, she says she tried it but didn't swallow.
  • She emerges from private "consultations" with Defense Secretary Xena to attend live press conferences sporting a glaring hickey.
  • The State of the Union speech goes on for six hours.
  • Xena causes a scandal when Gabrielle can't produce the missing 18 1/2 scrolls.
  • The West Wing Staff really is a staff.
  • You really don't want to know where the cigars went.

Great Things About Gabrielle Having Her Own Horse

  • Somebody can keep Argo company the next time Gabrielle and Xena get temporarily killed.
  • X & G can buy hay and oats in bulk size to save dinars and even get a chariot.
  • Now Argo and Xena can double date.

Things Xena Would Never Say

  • "That ship is too far out, if I jumped I'd never make it."
  • "Ares! You startled me!"
  • "You can touch my horse again if you want to."
  • "That man scares me, Gabrielle."
  • "Please, Gabrielle, no more---I'm worn out."

Signs Gabrielle is Bald

  • She tears up a picture of Joxer during an appearance on SNL.
  • She says, "Xenaunit! NJRA seeks the creator!"
  • They use Gabrielle's scalp to reflect light into Goliath's eyes.
  • She tells Xena to "Make it so" as they boldly go where no man has gone before.

Xena Game Shows

  • Name That Tomb.
  • Let's Make A Kill - with your host, Monty Maul.
  • Truth or Unconsciousness.
  • The Price is On Your Head.
  • The 21,000 Dinar Pyramid (Live From Ancient Egypt)
  • The Joxer's Wild
  • The Newly-dead Game
  • Olympian Family Feud






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