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Things Which Never Happen On X:WP

  • There is a god whose powers do not reside in an easily stolen object.
  • Another brother of Xena's shows up and she already told Gabrielle all about him.
  • There is a cave nearby and Xena never bothered to store supplies for her army there.
  • The trajectory of Xena's chakram becomes indeterminate after the 14th or 15th bounce.
  • Callisto goes through an entire episode without once being buried under a pile of rocks.
  • Ruffians attack Xena all at once, not in single file.

Xena Smilies

  • O-( User is a Cyclops
  • (-: User is from New Zealand :*)
  •  :*) User is Meleager
  • $-) User is Salmoneus
  •  :-[ User is a Bacchae
  •  :-@ "Yiyiyiyiyiyiyi!!!"
  •  :^( Xena used a left hook
  •  :v( Xena used a right cross
  •  :-X User requires a pinch interrogation
  • <:-) User is Joxer

Xena Sports

  • Stock Chariot Racing
  • "Bad"-minton
  • "Bi"-athlon
  • Idiotrod God Sledding
  • Equestrian Kickboxing
  • Nude Fishing
  • Gyne-nastics
  • Volcanodiving
  • Volleyfireball
  • Staff Vault
  • World Cup Sock-her
  • Sidekick Dragging
  • Bush Diving
  • The Running of the Bull Dykes

Joxer Tries to Pick Up Gabrielle

  • Jox: "Hey, Gabby, what's your sign?"
  • Gab: "Do not Enter"
  • Jox: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
  • Gab: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
  • Jox: "I know how to please a woman."
  • Gab: "Then please leave me alone."
  • Jox: "I want to give myself to you."
  • Gab: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
  • Jox: "I can tell that you want me."
  • Gab: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
  • Jox: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
  • Gab: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
  • Jox: "Your body is like a temple."
  • Gab: "Sorry, there are no services today."
  • Jox: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
  • Gab: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
  • Jox: "Your place or mine?"
  • Gab: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
  • Jox: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
  • Gab: "Unfertilized!"

Signs Joxer Should Do His Laundry

  • It's February 29 again.
  • He is discovered unconscious after a sniff test.
  • Argo maneuvers to stay upwind of him.
  • He wakes up in the dead of night to find his clothes crawling toward the lake.

Xena and Gabrielle Should Get a Tent

  • Tent stakes can double as throwing weapons.
  • Joxer won't be the only one to pitch a tent when Gabrielle prances around the campsite nude.
  • Xena can say her relationship with Gabrielle is "In Tents".
  • "If This Tent's Wigglin' Don't Start Gigglin'".

Signs Argo is Stalking Gabrielle

  • Gab finds a knit cap and FOUR bloody gloves.
  • Every time she turns around Argo puts her head down to eat grass nonchalantly.
  • Muddy horseshoe prints in Gab's diary scroll.
  • When she wakes there's a human head on the pillow next to her.

Why Xena Should Command the Enterprise

  • Starfleet is long overdue for a return to miniskirts and knee-high boots.
  • Like Kirk famously did, Xena would have a girl on every planet.
  • Gabrielle would make a good communications officer.
  • Xena's prime directive: "Take the planet!"
  • Joxer would be good as one of those security guys in a red shirt.
  • "She's gonna blow Captain!" takes on a whole new meaning.
  • If they met Apollo on the Planet of Lost Gods, Xena would kick his ass if puts the snatch on her ship.

Holy Scriptures of the Goddess of Love

  • First and Second Mammalonians
  • Lactiticus
  • Tit-us
  • Colossial-un's
  • Epistle to the Garbanzos
  • Aphrodite 36 : D
  • Hooteronomy
  • Reveal-ations
  • Triple X-odus

Amazon Sex Guidebooks

  • You Can't Eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on Your Face
  • You Can't Have Your Kate & Edith Too
  • More than You Ever Wanted to Know About Amazon Sexuality & Were Afraid Somebody Would Tell You
  • War & Piece (of Ass)
  • How to Make Love (& War) to a Woman

Signs Gabrielle is President

  • When asked by reporters if she ever ate henbane-laced nutbread, she says she tried it but didn't swallow.
  • She emerges from private "consultations" with Defense Secretary Xena to attend live press conferences sporting a glaring hickey.
  • The State of the Union speech goes on for six hours.
  • Xena causes a scandal when Gabrielle can't produce the missing 18 1/2 scrolls.
  • The West Wing Staff really is a staff.
  • You really don't want to know where the cigars went.

Great Things About Gabrielle Having Her Own Horse

  • Somebody can keep Argo company the next time Gabrielle and Xena get temporarily killed.
  • X & G can buy hay and oats in bulk size to save dinars and even get a chariot.
  • Now Argo and Xena can double date.

Things Xena Would Never Say

  • "That ship is too far out, if I jumped I'd never make it."
  • "Ares! You startled me!"
  • "You can touch my horse again if you want to."
  • "That man scares me, Gabrielle."
  • "Please, Gabrielle, no more---I'm worn out."

Signs Gabrielle is Bald

  • She tears up a picture of Joxer during an appearance on SNL.
  • She says, "Xenaunit! NJRA seeks the creator!"
  • They use Gabrielle's scalp to reflect light into Goliath's eyes.
  • She tells Xena to "Make it so" as they boldly go where no man has gone before.

Xena Game Shows

  • Name That Tomb.
  • Let's Make A Kill - with your host, Monty Maul.
  • Truth or Unconsciousness.
  • The Price is On Your Head.
  • The 21,000 Dinar Pyramid (Live From Ancient Egypt)
  • The Joxer's Wild
  • The Newly-dead Game
  • Olympian Family Feud






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